Yakima Mom

All Things Mom

Archive for the tag “Children”

Eighteen

Our daughter is turning 18 this weekend. Eighteen.

I helped her vote last night. Her graduation tassel came today. This time next year, I will be trying to ignore the K-shaped hole in our home that will be left when she goes off to school.

I feel like I should be doing better; I’ve done this before. Her older brother is now a junior at university. I hardly ever see him. I still miss him terribly, but I survived, and no longer spend my days wondering what he’s doing.

I guess I was thinking this time wouldn’t be so hard.

K and I had a tough couple of years… too many arguments, too many days in which my attempts at conversation were met with monosyllables, sometimes even just grunts. For more than a year, she was locked behind a wall I just couldn’t penetrate, leaving her alone and depressed and me bewildered and resentful.

We got help, and about six months ago, I began getting back my girl. Now she makes me laugh daily. Her humor can be cutting and dry, and she can be wickedly sarcastic, blunt, and opinionated, but, well, she’s 18, and I love her to death.

Of course I’ve loved her all along—she is, after all, my baby girl—but as the days tick by bringing the inevitable leaving of the nest, I want to cling to the little girl she was, and this new young woman that she’s become. I just got her back from behind that wall, and I’m not ready for her to go. I want to be silly and laugh with her about the weird thinkengs she finds hysterically funny. I want to dance with her and hang out with her, just a little while longer.

But.

I’m still not sure how it happened, but in the blink of an eye, my baby became 18.

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I Know it’s No Excuse, but…

Dear WordPress,

I am sorry, but I’ve been avoiding you.

It’s nothing personal, really. It’s completely about me; you’ve been terrific.

It’s just that I’ve been so … fragile, lately.

I can blame it on my temporary employment position… which cam as a result of a LAY-OFF, which is certainly capable of making one feel, um, less-than-great. But it’s not that.

Not really.

It’s that this time, this Spring/Summer, is so momentous for me.

I’m going from “mothering” one of my babies… his arrival being one of the most magnificent, glorious, wonderful things that ever happened TO ME…  to–well, whatever it is you become when your kid grows up and flies away from the nest.

And all I feel like posting is how huge this is, and how proud i am, and how scared i am, and how READY he is…

and I feel a little bad for my other two babies, who don’t seem to make the headlines so often.

And so I’ve just not posted. I’ve not told you he’s going to the University of Washington, which he considered his “fallback” school. I’ve not told you how hard it really is to get in there, and that I’m trying to convince him that getting accepted is an accomplishment.

He had his hopes set on Dartmouth. Or maybe Boston College.

It was a really tough year to get in.

He’s coming around. He wants to join a fraternity. I think he’s realizing it’s the beginning of a big adventure.

It’s the beginning of HIS life.

And it feels like the end of mine.

And so, this is why I’ve been neglectful of you, dear WordPress. And to you, my few faithful followers.

I’ve already told you how hard this is. You probably don’t want to hear it again.

I know I will survive this.

I’m just not sure how.

Untitled

There is no title for this post. It is too scattered, too random.

The neighbor “Boy” is playing his guitar in his garage. He’s 17. He thinks his future career is in music.

The chords-especially the long low ones- vibrate through my windows, nearly an acre away.

I don’t mind.

He is 17. His gorgeous blonde hair is dyed black. He has big dreams.

I have pictures of him when he is three or four, digging in the dirt with our boys. Cherry juice smeared across their faces.

Our oldest son is in New Orleans. He’s gone on an “Immersion;” a school-based service trip.

He’ll be gone all week. He leaves for University in just a few, short months.

Our daughter is on the couch, doing homework. She’s disappointed because I won’t take her driving right now.

She’s 15. She already drove 45 minutes today. I say I’m done for the day, I am relaxing now.

She says I can relax while she drives.

Ha.

I am feeling like I have missed something… that I’m not quite the parent that I believed I was.

I am not as good as I thought I was.

I’m sorry. I DID say this was pretty random.

This letting go is so hard.

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